It struck me recently, in a moment of simplicity, you know, when the clutter of life steps aside to make room for a truth that couldn’t be more obvious, yet hides lurking in the shadows of what ends up being the all-to-oft complexities of human co-existence. Two words. Delicate. Yet, together, holding hands, they couldn’t be more powerful, more symbolic of my yard stick for successful relationships.
And don’t we all, for the most part, seek relationships that we can count on? I guess, exceptions are made for hermits and others who may have shifted into a plane of human existence that needs little from others, that cares not for the perceptible care of a loved one. But outside of such rare airs of solitude’s lack of necessity, I am of the opinion that people like, need, and want people. Yet, it also seems like the most tremendous of feats for us, as humans, myself included, to actually co-exist with others? But why?
To clarify, I am not talking singularly about marital status, gender relationships, being a couple, or who we are dating, or seeking to date, or even wishing for a heartbeat to ask us on a date. No, it is baseline human connection I am focusing my microscope on, that tenuous hair-thin tightrope between any two people who have accepted life’s dance with another: friendships, lovers, family bonds, you name it.
But before we go into the two words that have come to summate the epitome of a shared existence’s definition, I am sure we can agree there are many combinations of two words that arise, at increasing speeds, when relationships falter, decline, and finally disintegrate. Usually they involve explicatives starting with the letter F. Or, more subtly, insults like “You bore.” Such denegration of the initial connection that was once shared is a heart-breaking cruelty upon each other, that surely neither partner in what has become a tragedy intended in the first place. And if they did, the other is equally to blame for not noting such character flaw earlier. Again, I digress.
So assuming that we do indeed seek connections with others that flourish rather than shrivel, it is these two gorgeous, stunning, delicious words that must be mastered:
Thank + You.
Yes, that’s right. When we cultivate deep gratitude for the people we care about, the bumps in the road smooth out, the canyons become tiny divets between us. Can we notice what is amazing about the other person? Can we thank them for the incredible and more indiscernable gifts they offer the world and ourselves? Can we acknowledge their efforts, even if failed, to bring joy to our lives and the lives of those around us? Do we appreciate the little things they do to care for us, especially during hard times?
Thank + You is the secret recipe for cultivating longterm connection. It inherently contains a level of respect for the other person that can not be ignored. Thank + You is more satisfying than a dessert after a fast. Thank + You says I love You, I Will Miss You When You Are Gone, and I Am So Glad You Are Alive all in one fell swoop.
It is child’s play to notice the shortcomings in others, a third-graders exercise in brilliance. But to feel true gratitude for the gift they simply are by being, now that is the ph.d in relationship building. Sadly, our society is mass-producing people whose specialty is noticing lack. It is a plague that is spreading, unbeknownst to us all, yet eroding that which may in fact be beautiful. We can gather with friends and talk about what is broken at home or between us and another friend, and surely, we will find ears ready to hear of the drama and mouths ready to fuel the divide. But what happens when we start listing what is amazing about the person and thanking them for that?
I am certainly not saying that these two words will mend every broken human connection, but I think we can all agree, they surely won’t do further damage. Let’s cultivate a world filled with gratitude for those we care about and let’s tell them “Thank You”. I’ll leave it to you to fill in the blanks on what you are thankful to them for.
-Alok Appadurai is founder of Fed By Threads, The Movement Shala, a writer, a vegetarian, a birth partner coach, a project consultant, social entrepreneur, designer, and lover of empathy, laughter, and love.
